| "TASTE" novel in process |
[Dec. 29th, 2007|05:18 pm] |
You never know what your getting yourself into. Sure you take the dare til you’re blue in the face. You’re smoking weed and craving more. Pot just inst enough. But then in a short moment of weakness, there are those fun drugs you fall into; pharmaceuticals, hallucinagenics, crake, coke, and god forbid heroin; I wasn’t aware this drugs could latch onto you for seven whole years and as sick as they make you. As cold as you are ouside, cowardlky asking for bus fare for your next bag- its then that you sink or swim. The best way to tell it would me remembering incidents, but in no promising order butneedless to say the events, the converatoins, the debt is real. The heartache is unfathomable. Professionals will tell you it’s the lack of love for youself. I think they are right. Ever since I let outsiders listen to my phone calls I was a push over. I didn’t count all the apologises. But my listeners, they did and they were infuriated. Sadly it took several money transfers and tears for it hit me. There is no such thing as saving someone. You can try, but if their fear has fallen and they don’t have 2 cents to rub together you should certainly wake up. For christs sake stop calling me. And the wimpering, save it for you dealer.
Oh I longed for him from afar. A new kid in school. Bought weed from him a couple times. It’s funny how the youger kids know the everyone but the older kids know their grade and up. I Didn’t even know him but knew those feelings were different then any other I have encountered. Id tell Amanda and she’s laugh, cos she knew what I didn’t.
After along day at work, I don’t think id slept in the past 48 hours I ride down to the beach and pull up to a car I thought was someone else. But it was HIM. By this point we had been aquainted, sloppily made out at a party. Jumped in his car and set out for the Long Island sound. I guess that was my first mistake. I didn’t know he just jammed a needle into his wrist and the wide eyed look he gave me was paranoia.
I wanted too much to feel that far out. I mean, the things it makes you say and do; add 50% to everytime he wsaid he was in trouble. I see through it now. I sent you my Christmas money. I hope you thought about me when you mooched that extra bundle on credit. God you make me sick to my stomach. Your voice is worse than nails on a chalkboard.
“Why didn’t you leave SARA? You promised. You promised like Judas in the bible. You will pay for this.”
I didn’t leave the hospital because for the first time in my life I felt safe without him. I don’t want to live day to day, fearing the loosnig of my bowels. The long waits, the blue and whites, and a clogged syringe when your about to vomit down the front of your shirt. I must have thought I was Jesus when I let him into my house.
Don’t get me wrong. This boy had my complete and total aderation. I gave him my heart before he even knew I existed. We agreed we didn’t know where we were going, but wherever it was, it was going to be spectacular. I sit here writing, think about the good times. When I was number one. That was the first time I felt safe. Shame on me for not taking his advice. He told me how it would go down. At least he felt sincere love, and had it in return. I’m writing like it’s the end. We probably will never reconnect, Get married and have a daughter named Sophia. But he’ll still be there as a ghost, comparing every new lover to. Most likely they’ll lack his genius, and the way I fit perfectly into his arms. I never felt so alive. I never felt so dead.
The human mind is a dangerous weapon. The hole in you face could take out a whole country if you wanted to. But why would you do it to some one you love(d). It’s back and forth between guilt and pride. My guilt, his pride. Add goddammit make it go away. These sleepless nights whee spiders are crawling up my arms and ddown my legs and all I can do is moan, slamming down the phone each time you call. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jun. 19th, 2007|07:50 pm] |
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he says it's easier to lie. |
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| the blues, same time. every year. |
[Jun. 3rd, 2007|07:00 pm] |
im tired.i got an amma massage the yesterday, she said my energy was pulsing. and that's just it,my intensity is leaving me raw.
i received a call from prison 3-way. initially it wasn't for me. i don't know, it was weird. but at least he is uncomfortable and safe for once.
ah i don't know what else to do but eat. eat, sleep, rinse, repeat.
if i didn't have a job i would be almost invisable. that chocolate cake looks good.
ps its my birthday tomorrow. one more year passed. i feel like i havent moved at all. |
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| (no subject) |
[May. 23rd, 2007|01:07 am] |
do people grow wild
like dried up dandelions?
planting seeds and takin up property
riding the breeze til the howling hushes.
drifting towards another cycle,
swearing you've been here before. |
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| (no subject) |
[May. 13th, 2007|12:53 am] |
the expresion
like a turning signal
towards the diviest bars.
im pulling hard on my cigar
while the interior of my car lingers
killing the enging
i just lean back and spin.
i'm ready to leave the outside.
the universe feels alot like too much to drink.
and that's just what i did, again.
but all the things i've seen,
have somehow chosen me. |
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| (no subject) |
[Mar. 31st, 2007|03:56 am] |
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im making a point to post something that isnt gloomy, or hanging on by hope. i want to write aloud about this transition from lonelyness to love. Loving so hard can brew into assumptions and arguments. ending less then perfectly echoes from wall to wall, especially when dupped. though so many people died this year, actuaully and whole heartedly. i found this golden soul who has gotten used to me, and in the same i have turned weak in the knees from watching him sleep. i realise this new found gap i present between me and my friends. although greater now then ever i do believe its been happening for a long time. |
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| Early Resolutions |
[Dec. 27th, 2006|10:18 pm] |
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I sit back now and read over the old entries. It had been so long, I forgot my password. I don't know who I was then, and more importantly am more so confused on the idea of loving someone so heartless. Learning that things aren't what they appear, and only things can be changed, compromised, or destroyed in light of the truth. |
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| if you're awake long enough i think begin to sleepwalk |
[Oct. 26th, 2006|10:24 am] |
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Who would have known that when I said I love you, I would be taking it back within the hour. Nothing went as planned. Nothing was premeditated. This new diet feels alot like insomnia, The tables have turned, but at least back then I made you feel a little special before I shut my eyes. Her things strayed out across the floor, and you speak of her so casually. And you fuck me for about 2 minutes, tell me how much I drive you wild. I just smile. Her things are still on the floor. You sorta mentioned her. I’m starving for sleep but I don’t dare catch a wink here, because you won’t; but you’ll lay on your side and ignore me just the same. So I step over you, lightly and bare breasted. Reaching out for what is mine and I to think I just picked up her panties by accident. I’ve got to get out of here. You watch me go and look at me as if it were my fault. A pitiful ‘sorry’ squeaks out from your lips. |
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| damn |
[Sep. 30th, 2006|08:22 am] |
my etremities are cold
im high, i've got homework to do
chillin out with my basset hound |
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| (no subject) |
[Sep. 29th, 2006|06:20 pm] |
ma, i give you credit.
picking up pears to make a buck.
i always underestimated you
but i love you so very much. |
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| lie your head |
[Sep. 15th, 2006|04:20 am] |
all the days we work
plus all the nights we roam
it's the same for anyone that sleeps
it's that time when you have to go home
there are those evenings
you don't quite make it
half sleeping, lying awake because of the awkward
matress, pillow, and blanket
i lie my head under the moon. |
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| (no subject) |
[Sep. 9th, 2006|01:04 am] |
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the paths we take seem short, but it's just all the fun we're having that blinds us from the time consumption. i suppose it's best as long as you remember it. or believe it, anyhow. sitting around alone is so calming, but when you've reached the point of satisfaction of self worth and the acceptance of whatever the future will bring- you get into a vegetative state and time flys and you don't even recall how you spent it. When someone asks you how you are, you say good no matter how you really are. I like to prevent small talk. Makes me sick. Yet, lately I seem to run into just about everyone and anyone and it hasn't been so bad. And i sit and miss. |
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| r.i.p van winkle. |
[Aug. 31st, 2006|01:02 am] |
sometimes
i think i have a fear of not sleeping.
or maybe it's
not waking up.
im avoiding the clock,
yet she continues to fly like a bat out of hell.
that feeling
when you're so nervous
you could swallow your tongue
so you just chew it
and you know it's all in your mind
festering like an aphrodisiac in denial.
come down
calm down
and the hour chills
whilest the minute takes the wheel.
fall down
let down
dream. |
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| late night numb |
[Aug. 30th, 2006|10:46 pm] |
So I think of him
From time to time
Maybe I compare him
Or maybe I just want to lighten the air
Either way
I searched my soul
And came across satisfaction
The things that meant the world
Or just yet to be experienced elsewhere.
Something about late night conversations,
And asking me to stay because you’re worried of me driving home.
Compliments, but not over the top.
You were over the top. Almost meaningless.
Yet here’s one last poem
Dedicated to you
To now burn within you
My freedom rings. |
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| (no subject) |
[Aug. 15th, 2006|10:21 am] |
Helen my friend
The beauty you hold
The light in your heart
The smile of your soul.
The warmth you possess
all the laughs we had
shine brighter than the sun
pulling at that cigarette until its all gone. |
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| A Ghost in Your Town is You |
[Aug. 14th, 2006|07:24 pm] |
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There comes a point in your life when you aren't sure if you're coming or going. If you really want to, and what you really need (to survive). I sit alone, sometimes in front of this laptop. I think about him. I think about me. How I could get used to it and how I wish he would just feel the same. Or just be more clear of the possibilties. To me, you are the only thing I'm sure of. The summer is over, and I've dissected myself 180 degrees and I'm not so sure how much I can follow the flow of this place, these faces, the lack of color here. There's that fear of having to run back if it shouldn't work out. I'm almost certain the risk is worth taking. |
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| (no subject) |
[Aug. 14th, 2006|07:16 pm] |
The rainbow ignited something
an old feeling.
Could this be real?
The hand you hold
Ace, ace, ace.
Windowless house
So far withdrawn
I'd go there to envision all the "could have beens"
Expressionless
the floor in shambles
and the moon echoes through.
The rain pours
the bow seeps into the clouds.
An old feeling passing
Drops falling through the holes of your house.
Wet and slippery the drops now plop and splatter
s l o w l y
They hit the floor and jump back at the moon.
What's left of us is the morning dew
holding on uncomfortably to
the toes of my shoes. |
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| SlowdownTurnStyle |
[Jul. 22nd, 2006|08:20 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  high | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Autolux | ] |
I saw an old friend last night. She had a baby in June. It;s funny because we both admitted she would never have kids. And it's changed her completly. I felt like an outsider looking in. I observed all the beauty and all the work, while she manage to mother me a bit. There was this time in the past when we woud disagree on things, and i feel like I bitched about her alot, but never to her face. I think it's because I was afraid. Ironically, she is the one person that pulled me out of my shell, and forced life upon me and all it has to offer.Ans sometimes We did drugs together. Enough to experience whilest remaining cool, calm, and collected. We were inseprable. Even today she continues to teach me things, and motherhood totally takes the cake.
Im sitting outside on our little backporch, and the wind is warm; just how I like it. Tropical storm a brewing. But the mosquitos are hungrier than the fattest fat man. Could you believe they chew through your threads? i don't know how much more i can take. Au Revoir. |
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